Fair Fight Rules by Kathryn Alice

Remember, learning not to fight is the best policy. However, when or if a disagreement arises, use these guidelines to get through the situation easily and damage-free. As you follow these rules, you will learn a new and valuable way to resolve differences.


1. Wait until you cool down to engage in a discussion with your partner. The worst time to deal with a disagreement is in the heat of anger.

2. Begin by telling him or her that you need to talk. Together, pick a time and place that are neutral.

3. Start the discussion by telling your mate that you’re upset but want to work out the problem. Remind him or her of your love.

4. Don’t use accusatory language. Don’t say “you did this” and “you made me feel that.” Put everything in terms of “I.” “I felt like you . . . ,” “I was upset when you . . . ,” “I think you. . . .”

5. Don’t use inflammatory language. Don’t curse or call each other names.

6. Confine your fight to the issue at hand. Don’t drag in the past or every mistake the other person ever made.

7. Don’t raise your voice. Yell beforehand on your own (maybe into a pillow?), but screaming will produce nothing good when you two are arguing.

8. Don’t jump to conclusions. Many times you will find that your anger is the result of a misunderstanding. Make sure you know just what happened and seek to understand it before getting upset.

9. Don’t assume that you know how your partner feels. Ask him how he’s feeling.

10. Don’t assume that everyone acts just like you would under the circumstances. You have no idea how another human being processes information and situations and decides what to do. Everyone is different, and the way we behave is often not logical.

11. Let your mate love you in his own, unique way, and take care to recognize his expressions of love, even when they’re subtle. He may not express his love for you the way you want, but you can’t assume that he knows how you want him to love you.

12. Practice forgiveness, and give a little more than you think you should (short of letting yourself be emotionally or physically abused).

13. Never make anyone else responsible for your happiness. Don’t make anyone else your source. It doesn’t work. Therefore, your expectations for what your mate can do for you should be reasonable.

14. Apologize easily, and take responsibility for your part of what went wrong. Don’t blame.

15. Don’t take things personally. People do the best they can, and most words and behaviors that could be interpreted as hurtful are simply “blind spots” or issues arising within the person that have nothing to do with you. See the tips earlier in this chapter on how to avoid taking things personally.

16. Before you end the argument, decide how you can work together better next time.
17. End your fight in a space of love and forgiveness. Hug and kiss. Fights not only allow you to work things out, but they also deepen your relationship and lead to a greater understanding of each other.
18. To help prevent future fights, engage in regular spiritual practice either with or without your One. Pray for her and for the relationship. Pray with her if you can. Set intentions together for your relationship. Meditate together.

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